SATIRE WARNING
Don’t get your knickers in a twist
If you want to get the non-satirical version,
read my follow-up post: The Real Story (Not Satire)
As a baptized, ordained, practicing, Bible-reading, Spirit-filled, Jesus-loving Christian, I just have to say how sick and tired I am of these straight-marriage activists spreading their heterosexual agenda all over my church and country!
Their sinful, detestable practices are unbiblical and unnatural in the eyes of science and God. It may not be “politically correct” to say so these days, but I refuse to “tolerate” these perverts and their lies anymore…
Don’t take my word for it, here is what the BIBLE says:
Genesis 4
After God made Adam and Eve, they had three sons: Cain, Abel, and Seth. No daughters. Yet is specifically says that Cain got married to a woman. Did you know that Cain, the first murderer, was a STRAIGHT? Heterosexuality and murder have gone hand-in-hand since the earliest days of the human race.
What’s even worse is that Cain got married to a woman even though the Bible very clearly states that there were no human women (other than his mother) in existence at that time. The conclusion is inescapable: Cain married an ANIMAL. Heterosexual marriage sits at the top of a slippery slope that leads directly to bestiality.
Not only that, but the Bible tells us how Lamech, an early descendant of Cain the hetero and murderer, took two wives and was a very violent person. Elsewhere in the Bible, there are other flagrant, unrepentant heteros like Abraham, David, and Solomon who have multiple wives. Judah, another heterosexual pervert, impregnates a prostitute who turns out to be his own daughter-in-law! Here again, we see the Bible clearly showing how sin begets sin and straight-marriage leads directly to POLYGAMY and FORNICATION.
Genesis 19
In the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, the Bible is VERY clear in its condemnation of the heterosexual lifestyle. While the men of Sodom were at his door, Abraham’s nephew Lot (another known heterosexual) offers his virgin daughters to be raped. After Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed, Lot’s daughters, burning with heterosexual lust, get their father DRUNK and have SEX with him so that they will get pregnant. The Bible is crystal clear on this point as well: Heterosexuality leads to drunkenness and INCEST. That’s what these straight-marriage activists are pushing for. DON’T LET THEM GET AWAY WITH IT!!!
Leviticus
The Old Testament book of Leviticus spends significantly more time condemning straight sex than it does dealing with sexual activity between people of the same gender. Therefore, heterosexuality is obviously a far bigger problem in the eyes of God.
The most direct and clear condemnation of heterosexuality can be found in Leviticus 19:19 –
“Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee.” (Lev. 19:19, KJV)
God gave us an orderly and organized universe, therefore he is offended by different kinds of things mixing together. If God went to such lengths to condemn the mixing of different cattle, seeds, and fabrics, why wouldn’t he also condemn the mixing of genders and their bodily fluids? Do you think God would be so foolish as to overlook something that big? Obviously not. The meaning of this verse is clear: God never intended for people of different genders to mix sexually.
Matthew 5:27-29
Jesus never had a bad thing to say about same-sex relationships. He obviously didn’t consider them to be much of a problem. But he had quite a bit to say about the sin of heterosexuality! In his Sermon on the Mount in Matthew’s gospel, Jesus tells us that even those who secretly harbor heterosexual tendencies are in danger of burning in hell:
Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:
But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
If the heterosexual orientation is so “normal”, as straight-marriage activists claim it is, then why is there no evidence that Jesus ever married a woman? If the Son of God thought it was worth avoiding, then Christians should too.
1 Corinthians 7
The apostle Paul stated very clearly in his first letter to the Corinthians, chapter 7, verse 1: “It is good for a man not to touch a woman.” This is his first condemnation of heterosexuality, but he doesn’t stop there. In verse 27, he advises young men to “seek not a wife.” He tells us why in verses 33-34: Paul says that a married person “careth for the things that are of the world” whereas an unmarried person “careth for the things that belong to the Lord.” Once again, the Bible is clear in stating that heterosexual marriage puts people into a spiritually compromised position.
Conclusion
Don’t get me wrong in all this: I don’t hate straight people. I love them as Jesus commanded me to. I live in a part of town that has a rather large heterosexual population. There’s even a straight couple that lives down the block from me. In fact, one of my very best friends is straight, so I can’t be heterophobic. I’m no bigot; I’m just a Bible-believing Christian who follows what the Word of God says, and the Bible is quite clear in its message that heterosexuality is less than God’s best for human beings.
My heart breaks when I see the youth of our nation getting sucked into a heterosexual lifestyle without knowing the clear and present danger that lurks there! The mainstream media refuses to talk about this, but I have come to believe, through prayer and the study of Genesis 3, that God has sent the plague of pregnancy among the human race as punishment for the sin of heterosexuality. Pregnancy and childbirth was one of the leading causes of death for women throughout history. Recent medical advances have lessened that probability, but they can’t erase the fact that heterosexuality is still a SIN.
Statistics and medical data clearly show that people are more likely to get pregnant from straight sex than they are from sexual activity shared with a partner of the same gender. Why would the numbers be so dramatically higher for straight folks unless GOD was trying to send us a message?
The message is clear: REPENT of your heterosexual perversion and turn back to God’s plan for your life!
Go find a good church that preaches what the Bible REALLY says about heterosexuality. You can tell them by the rainbow flags hanging outside. You can also find them by looking for words like:
- Integrity (Episcopal)
- Dignity (Catholic)
- More Light (Presbyterian)
- Reconciling (Methodist)
- Open & Affirming (United Church of Christ, Disciples of Christ, or Baptist)
This is a free country, so I don’t mind sharing it with straight people, so long as they don’t flaunt it in public. Whatever sins they commit behind closed doors is between them and God. But I have a big problem with the way these straight-marriage advocates push their unbiblical heterosexual agenda in the media and the government. Did you know that some of them are even trying to get LAWS passed that FORCE you to marry people of the opposite gender?! Some of these sick hetero perverts have even set up RE-EDUCATION CAMPS that brainwash kids and adults into accepting their agenda! Before long, these fanatics will even be doing away with the separation of church & state in order to FORCE pastors and churches to marry ONLY straight people.
This is my country too and I WANT IT BACK!
Remember to get out and VOTE!
Hopping Hadrian's Wall 
This is the BIGGEST piece of Bullshit i’ve ever heard!!!!! they let anybody interpret the bible these days. Dig deeper fella. This ignorance is not the Gospel!!
You’re right. It’s satire.
What does “SATIRE WARNING: Don’t get your knickers in a twist” mean to you? ;-D
It’s BEAUTIFUL satire, too!!!!
–A flaming straight “sinner” (also a Reconciling United Methodist)
To be fair to the previous commenter, I only added the Satire Warning after his/her comment appeared.
Oh sweetie, maybe you skip over parts of the bible too? Seems you missed the BIG RED satire warning at the top. Bless your heart.
To be fair…one has to be rather thick to need the “satire warning.”
This is absolutely brilliant and if anyone can not see that it is amazingly clever satire written to prove a very real point then, well, I pity the fool!
I SO NEEDED to read this after the day I have had fending off willfully ignorant trolls from my own blog. THANK YOU!
Oh, hi, Kimberly — er, Mrs. T? ;-D
So well done. I couldn’t stop laughing (but perhaps I should be crying) over the truth of how we interpret the word of “God.”
Simply f**king brilliant. That is all.
First to say that Cain married an animal is complete heresy if he kept reading his Bible he would have seen that Adam and Eve had many sons and daughters. I know this sounds very weird but Cain married his sister. Also to say that Jesus had nothing to say about homosexuality is far from the truth to, when the Pharisees came up to Jesus they brought up the topic of divorce and Jesus brought up the Old Testament and said for this cause shall a MAN leaves his MOTHER and FATHER and shall cleave to his WIFE and they TWAIN shall be one flesh. And when the apostle Paul said it is good not to touch a woman he was talking about outside the bounds of marriage. Paul does condemn homosexuality in Romans 1. Oh and by the way God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah because of homosexuality.
If you had read your Bible, you’d know that Sodom and Gomorrah was destroyed because…wait for it…stand back, I shall quote the Bible:
“‘Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy.”(Ezekiel 16:49, NIV)
Yup, pretty much! But that would require reading texts that require folks to actually give a rat’s ass about the poor and marginalized rather than what other people do with their fine china 🙂 Whole lot of Uhmericuns not up to that task 🙂
It always puzzles me that traditionalists like to use this one verse as evidence that Jesus said something about homosexuality when, as you point out, he’s addressing divorce, heterosexual divorce. But, in the bigger picture, I’m not sure you realize this is satire.
Dear Ethan, this piece is satire and meant to be absurd. But in response to your good points, 1. Genesis 19 no more condemns all homosexuality, than Judges 19 (and the rape of the female concubine) condemns all heterosexuality. 2. Romans 1 should be taken in the context of Claudius recently permitting the cult of Cybele into Rome. Greeks and Romans were abandoning the invisible Deity taught by their own philosophers, and were worshiping Cybele instead, using idols of women, lions and serpents. Her male priests, the archgalli, castrated themselves (what a painful error!) and played the part of women in same-sex temple prostitution to honor the goddess. Even the women likewise, who worshiped Cybele, were equipped with artificial phalli and played the part of men in the pagan prostitution. This has nothing to do with two nice Christian boys, or two believing girls, who trust God yet fall in love with each other. 3. Jesus is addressing divorce, not homosexuality. Naturally most people are heterosexual (just as most are right-handed), and so the story holds true for them, but there are exceptions. God bless you.
The Old Testament was a guide for Jews who lived before Christ. Christ came to abolish the old law. The only verse in the entire New Testament that speaks against homosexuality is the one you mentioned, in Romans 1. But that verse has been subject to much criticism over its translation. In the same verse that it says homosexuals will not inherit the Kingdom of Heaven it also says the effeminate. Do you really believe it’s a sin to be female? Lighten up and live your own life. If you are going to influence anyone else’s life, do so by loving them, not judging them and telling them how to live their life. < Moral of the story
Satire. Satire, satire, satire.
That being driven home (I hope), do you believe that any situation/thing NOT mentioned by Jesus/in the Bible is bad? Then stop using your computer. ;-D We “win.”
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Brilliant! I needed a good chuckle, thanks!
Brilliant post. Where did the first women come from? Genesis 1:27!
Love the satire.
I just don’t “get” the “joke”. Can someone explain?
This is how anti-gay groups speak about homosexuality. The joke is that you could just as easily say the same type of things about heterosexuality using the Bible.
Thanks, I ended up asking my brother to explain as well. I guess I just don’t get this type of thing… lol
“The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision.” – Lily Tomlin.
Beautiful satire here, of something we hear all too often.
Thank you for bringing these serious matters to our attention. As you rightly say “Statistics and medical data clearly show that people are more likely to get pregnant from straight sex than they are from sexual activity shared with a partner of the same gender.” Also far more disease, including cancer and AIDs, is spread through straight sex than through sec between partners of the same sex. And many young people who have a sexual encounter with someone of the opposite sex report that it was done under the influence of drugs or alcohol, and for young women, not always consensual.
God bless you in America (you need it).
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This was wonderfully done! Thank you for doing this. I shared both this one and your “The Real Story” for my Fb friends to also enjoy.
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Reblogged this on Vibrant Bliss and commented:
Excellent satire of the prevalent idea I criticised before that the Bible prohibits homosexuality. Somewhere there’s one like this on women priests, I’ll try to dig out the link to that too.
Love the satire. Thanks for making me laugh
Just like the Landover Baptist Church! Have you seen Pastor Deacon Fred’s great fire and brimstone sermon on Youtube?